"Hello...it's Syd"

My dream felt like more of a visit than a dream. I thought that maybe it was his way of saying goodbye. I had always been telepathically linked to my grandfather, and on this day I awoke startled.

Somewhere around nine o'clock, I decided to pick up the phone. It had been six years since I last spoke to him. The story behind that void is for another time. But let's just say he was an innocent by-stander. As I dialed, I found that I had a giant lump in my throat. I had hoped it wasn't too late.

When he answered the phone, my heart sank. Not for relief but for the mere fact that he sounded so old. Once he realized who it was calling, he began to speak of how things I had never known - had changed, people I had never met - died, and how beautiful the weather was.

It made me a little sad when he asked, "how you been, ba-be?"

Fine, Poncho. I just called because I missed you and I wanted to say hi."

Oh, terrific. It is so good to hear your voice, ba-be. Do you want to talk to Grandma now?"

I wasn't really finished talking to him, but I knew he didn't know what else to say to me. So I let him off the hook, "Okay, Poncho, I love you."

"Ye, hold on, I'll get her."

Once he put the receiver down on the table, I asked myself, "what if that is the last time I get to talk to him?" I wanted him to get back , on the phone. I heard the receiver being picked up and my grandfather saying, "oh, Mother, you goin' be so surprised!"

"Hello?" Her voice was unrecognizable to me. I had always thought of my grandmother as this timeless being that would stay the same age forever. As long as I could remember she had always been the same age.

"Grandma? It's Syd"

"Who?" She almost sounded annoyed.

"Sydney, your granddaughter."

"Oh! Hi, ba-be, it's been so long. Why are you calling me? Are you here in Honolulu? You need a place to stay? You need money?" Why would these be the first things that had come to her mind to asked? Sure I had annual visits with them in the Summer as a kid, but I had never asked for much more than that. But I knew she was just trying to figure out why I was calling. After all, I hadn't made much of an effort in the last six years, so I must want or need something, right?

She did her best to make small talk. She told me of all her recent ailments. I began to feel that lump in my throat again. Only this time the lump was accompanied by tears beginning to form in my eyes. I felt so ashamed. After a few minutes I decided to do everyone a favor and end the awkward phone call. Before I hung up, she asked me for my phone number and address. It was as though I had moved to another planet. She couldn't understand how I was still relatively in the same neighborhood, but never came to see them when they came to visit my mother.

That was it...I lost it. My grandmother said, "don't cry ba-be, everything will be okay." Of course this only made me cry more. Then she said they would be back to visit my mother within the next couple of weeks and I could see them then.

Unfortunately, due to circumstances unexplained at the beginning of this story, that probably won't happen.

Okay so...I think I need to relax! I am going in too many different directions right now! I want to teach, go back to school, write a book, work from home doing Internet marketing. I WANT TO GET OFF THIS MERRY GO ROUND! I am stressing my self out.

I guess I just feel like I am running out of time. It's like someone hit the reset button on my ambition! For so long all I have been able to do is lay around and solve sudoku puzzles and watch TV. Now that I have been blessed with a renewed sense of health, I feel like I have a whole lot of catching up to do!

I saw a show on CNN last night about people who are about my age, similar education, and they are living these extraordinary lives. I want that to be me. I want to live, inspire, laugh, give, think, speak, even argue. Now I just need to know where to start. I know I write about this at least once a week but it really is beginning to consume me....what is it? I feel like a stick of dynamite waiting around for someone to light my wick! I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE...I guess I have to figure out how to light it myself. Any suggestions?

Time to get it started....

Well, I made a decision...I am going to write a book! But first I am going to start exploring some topics, because there are about 20 ideas running around in my head. With the help of Jack Heffron and his Writer's Idea Book I am going to try to sort some of my ideas out, while practicing writing pros. I may use this blog for some of the prompt responses, as I can access it from anywhere, even my phone.

I am a little anxious about it, but someone told me once "Just start writing, and keep writing." I have written so many short stories and essays, and now that I think about it, I may stick to the short story genre. I don't even know. See this is where I start to make myself anxious. So many decisions!

But you know what, I just need to go for it! I have so many stories to tell! And I think this is my destiny not to mention my legacy...yah, I feel pretty good about it!

So, according to the first prompt I am supposed to pick a time of day and a duration to sit down to write. I can sit at my computer and do nothing, but I do anything but write! So I am choosing to sit down at 7:00pm and I will write for at least 1 hour. First promt, check!

I needs some room!

As I mentioned a few posts back...I am sooooo ready to move on! Currently I work as a Corporate Trainer and Instructional Designer for a Health and Life Insurance Company. And I'm over it! I do feel blessed to have a job right now, but there are times that I feel stifled.

I feel like I need some room to breath. To stretch my creative wings and fly! I feel that my current career choice isn't really much of a contribution to anything. Truth be told, I feel as though I am just collecting a check. A friend of mine and I were talking and she said it best, "there has to be a better way."

But I stay. The economy scares me. Rationally I realize that now is probably not a good time to step on that ledge. But the "Yunus" in me says, if not now then when. I can't say that I am miserable, but there is definitely a grind. I want to do something that makes me happy and contributes to a better life, day, moment for others. The more I pray about it, the more I realize that I have to do something more. I want to write a novel. I want to teach. I want to speak and inspire. I don't know what God has in mind for me, but I feel that something is coming.

So I will keep my options open, stay in prayer, and wait for what is yet to come.

Rest in Peace Michael

So What's Next?

So, today wasn't the best day. Despite the fact that I am supposed to be recovered I did spend most of the day in "discomfort" (as the doctor's like to say, that would be pain to you and me). But during my lay-in today, I have had lots of time to think. The question that keeps popping up is "So what's next?"

Now that motherhood is off the table, I have to rethink my future. I think I may like to go back to school. Or maybe start a business. All I know is whatever it is that I am going to do, I have to get started. I can't keep going on this way. Inaction. I have been living with inaction out of necessity for the last year. Every ounce of energy saved was necessary in my struggle to function as an ill person. But I have to reclaim my life! I want to start living again...like a normal person. No one knows the quiet struggle that I have gone through...That's beside the point. I have had to put a lot of things down, and now it is time to go back and find them again.

I am not sure, though, if at 41 it is too late. Should I just settle for where I am at right now, and just enjoy? Or, should I continue to work and struggle toward something more? If the answer is yes to the later, the next question is "toward what?" Education, instructional Design, Web Design, Small Business. I am not sure what direction to start moving in.

I guess the first thing I need to do is clear my mind. So, a good spring cleaning is in order! Because God love my husband, but we all know that husbands don't clean so well, especially during football and basketball season. (oh, and that would be most of the year, :P) So I am going to start by cleaning my house. No, really. A good house cleaning usually makes my mind nice and clear and gives me the space to think. Step-by-step, room-by-room, day-by-day.

Wish me Luck!

The Black Bird

To get out of the heat this afternoon, I found myself at my local movie theatre watching the newly released "Public Enemies". More interesting than the story of Dillinger's rise and fall from bank robber/rock star status was the portrayal of the love affair between he and Billie Frechette. Of course this portrayal was enhance by the beauty of the 2 actors who played Frechette and Dillenger, Johnny Depp and Marion Cotillard.

I found myself so fascinated by the character of Billie that I immediately came home and started doing some research. I think what fascinated me about the character in the film was that there was extra care taken to make it know that she was of mixed blood. A person of color. Evelyn "Billie" Frechette was the product of a French father an a Native American mother who was a member of the Menominee Tribe. In the film they make this apparent by not only telling the story of her childhood and back round, but also by giving her a Native American Accent and in several scenes she is wearing turquoise and Native American jewelry.

Of course the film completely romanticized Frechette and Dillenger's relationship. However, everything that I found in my research does say that she was the love of Dillinger's life. She was much more involved in his life of crime than the film leads you to believe and I also found it interesting that she was actually an educated woman. She spent 1936 to 1941 on a speaking tour of the US, sharing her stories about her life with Dillenger.

I think the most fascinating fact that I found out about Frechette was that after Dillenger's death and her release from prison, she returned to the Menominee Reservation of her childhood, to live out the rest of her life.

Rest in Peace, Michael

I was born in 1968, so I guess you could say that Michael Jackson and the Jackson 5 provided me with the sound track to my childhood all the way through high school.

I would be remiss in letting the opportunity pass to say farewell to the greatest entertainer who ever lived. It has been a week since his death, and I can hardly believe that he is gone. When I first heard the news being reported from TMZ, I was very irritated. I remember feeling very disappointed that they had been so irresponsible for reporting such a terrible joke as truth. When I realized that it was true, I went numb. I remember feeling the same way when Lady Diana passed away. I really felt that this piece of truth was so far from my reality that it still didn't seem true. I can't say that I was sad, because although I guess I considered myself a fan at one time, but I knew that the world had just experienced a great loss.

While riding in the car, ever radio station (regardless of genre) was playing Michael's music. With in the first eight count of each song played, I smiled and began to dance and sing. I was enjoying my own private concert. Every song evoked a wonderful memory from my youth. I became a fan all over again. And that's when I felt the personal loss. What Michael left behind, over 40 years of music, is all there is. And while that is more than we deserved, it's all there is. Nothing more, nothing less.

I know that in recent years Michael has been surrounded by controversy, but that does not erase his contribution to music. I find it very sad that the media has chosen to present his death as entertainment rather than with dignity. But why should I be surprised, all of his issues, legal, financial, emotional and physical has always been treated with such a lack of respect. I am not saying that he deserved more because he was a superstar, but he deserved more because he was a human being. I refuse to seek entertainment in the story of his death! All of the drama, confusion, speculation and sensationalism really disappoints me. I wish they would just let him rest in piece.

We all want to claim Michael has our King of Pop. I guess I just wish that people would realize that he was some one's son, father, brother, uncle, and friend...and for those he left behind, we should have respect and allow him to rest in the peace that he could not find in life.

It seems that the choreography this season is superior to past seasons. The only choreographer that has not been feature as much as I would like is Wade Robson. However, perhaps as the talent is whittled down he will return to share one of his masterpieces!

Well this week I was a little disappointed with the judges elimination choices. But I think I may have been disappointed with whom ever was eliminated tonight. I think that now all of the dancers that are left are just so talented. Tonight I was surprised about the male elimination. I really thought that Phillip, the pop hip hopper would go. I think he is a great dancer, however he is the only one left in the competion that does not have formal dance training. I am just not sure that he will make it past next week.

So here it is. In case you missed it, here are the two dancers that were eliminated:

Vitolio Juene, 26, Miami

Karla Garcia, 23, Brooklyn

What's Old is New Again

Whoever said, "you can't go back," was probably right. However, I was lucky enough this weekend to step back into my future...I've never really been one for nostalgia, and in all honesty high school probably wasn't the best time in my life (although it was definitely the easiest).

Through a popular on-line social net work I have had the pleasant surprise of reconnecting with folks that I have seen for more than 20 years. Randomly, an invitation was sent out to all who attended my high school for a get together at a local brewery. I thought to myself, "why not."

When I first arrived there weren't very many people in attendance, and the people that were there weren't familiar to me at all! I thought maybe I had made a mistake in attending. The next thing I know there was a gal sitting across from me that I recognized, and as we began to chat I found out that she had graduated two years ahead of me. She was charming and the four of us (our spouses included) fell in to a very enjoyable conversation. We had cocktails and dinner together and became fast friends.

As we enjoyed our dinner more people began to arrive, and still, I didn't recognize anyone. Strangely enough, some of them recognized me and as the evening moved forward I began to see people that I recognized from the hallways of my old high school. There were even some folks there that I had considered friends way back when. As the wine flowed and we began to get more comfortable with each other, a wonderful thing started happening; the nerds, the jocks, the preps, the rockers, the punkers all began to intermingle. These old labels didn't mean anything.

There was connections and re-connections made left and right. I spent most of the day on-line and on the phone getting to know a little bit more about a few of the people that I I really made new connections with. I am really quite excited to forge new friendships with some of these folks that I had very little in common with as a teenager.

As we get older it becomes harder to make new friends, but no one ever said it was hard to recycle them!

Well there you go...My 2 bottom picks are gone as I predicted in week 2. I must admit I wasn't very impressed with any of the dancers this week, but I think perhaps that may be due to the choreography. And may I add, Toni Basil's rhetoric about street funk, was just as bad as Lil'C's philosophical dissections of dance!

It is worth mentioning the piece that Mia Michaels choregraphed did transport me back to Post War Paris just as Nigel mentioned her choice of music and the costume, made for a number that could have ben taken right off of the broadway stage or the old silver screen.

Lights out for:

Ausuka Kondoh, 25

Irvine, CA

Jonathan Platero, 21

New York

So I guess that my prediction from last week was wrong! But that's okay, because I think that the judges did a fair job of elimination with what they had to work with. Of the six dancers on the chopping block the judges made the right choice:

Ashley Valerio 22, Los Angeles

I was a little disappointed about Ashley's departure from the show I thought that she was a beautiful dancer and a great match for Ku'pono. I enjoyed her interpretation of a Crash Test Dummy last week. Even this week her hip-hop performance was sassy and she did seem to out dance Ku'pono. With that said, her position in the bottom 3 against Kayla and Caitlin, gave the judges very little choice.


Max Kapitannikov 26, Brooklyn

No love lost here. I didn't really connect with Max. I thought that his performance this week was good, but as a dancer his style isn't very memorable. And let's face it with Ku'pono and Jason in the bottom 3 along with Max...again, the judges had no choice.

Apparently America didn't think two of Season 5's dancers could. Tonight was the first elimination of the season and I have to admit, one of the eliminations was no surprise.


20 year old Tony Bellisimo was the first boy voted off the show this season. Thank goodness! I don't even understand how this kid made it in to the Top 20. There were far more superior dancers that were eliminated in Las Vegas. It's almost as if Tony was advanced to the Top 20 so they would have some one to vote off first! It's not that Tony is a bad dancer, however I have seen kids doing what he does and better down on the Venice Beach stroll. I just didn't get it, why he was there that is. His elimination was completely understandable!

However, the shame was that the first of the girls to get eliminated from the Top 20 was 19 year old Paris Torres. I thought this girl was a beautiful dancer. It was interesting to me that Paris had been coupled with Tony and their first routine was in the genre of HipHop, which is apparently Tony's specialty, and Paris rocked it...Tony, not so much! I really thought that Paris would go much further. I thought that Asuka Kondoh should have gone...but there is always next week!


My prediction for next week's elimination is Jonathan Platero and Asuka Kondoh!

Holding on to Holden as an American Favorite!

So, here's the thing...I managed to get through Honors English and a BA in English Literature, and have never been mad to read the infamous Catcher in the Rye. So while I have been home in recovery, I have decided to have a read.

It was pretty funny, when I went to the book store to purchase a copy of said book, I asked the young person behind the counter if I was now going to be on some FBI list. He just looked at me with this quizzical look. So I proceeded to attempt explain the conspiracy theory behind the book and the cashier seemed very disinterested, so I let it go. Personally I thought I was being very funny, but he didn't get it, so the joke was wasted.

Anyhoo, It took me about a week to read, only because I was reading just a few minutes here in there since I am so involved with my 4000 piece puzzle "and all." (If you've read the book you know "and all," is one of Holden's favorite ways to end a sentence.)

I actually enjoyed the book. I don't get how the book could ever possibly be connected to any sort of Conspiracy Theory. When I first set out to read the book I assumed it would dark and there would be some sort of suggestion of an underlying message to those who have used the book as a template for their crimes.

However, Holden Caulfield was a pretty likable young man. I can remember being his age and being confused and anxious about the same types of issues that he finds him self worried about; virginity, sexuality, popularity, relationships, fitting in, school, issues with parents, etc. I thought that the relationship that he had with his little sister was very sweet. I can remember having a similar time with my younger brother. I just read it as an adventurous weekend in the life of an average teenage boy.

So I decided that there had to be more to it. So I did some research...In a nut shell, the literary criticism was fixed on his inability to connect with other people and reality. That his little sister was actually his voice of reason, even the voice of the reader begging Holden to snap out of it! That Holden's criticisms of "phony" people was because they were actually more conventional and grounded in reality. One analysis went as far to break down his name as Hold-on-caul-field. A "caul" being the membrane that covers an embryo's brain. Suggesting that he is holding on to childhood as long as possible. And they support that with his take on the song by Robert Burns. He reads the poem/song as "catch a body" rather than "meet a body." Ironically, the song is actually talking about a chance encounter of two bodies in the rye. A sexual encounter. Holden interprets the song as being a catch who saves little children from falling off a cliff (a metaphor for a fall from innocence). WOW! If J.D. Salinger had all of that in mind when he wrote the book, he was a genius!

At the end of the book it is revealed that Holden is in a mental facility of sorts. Call me crazy, but I don't really understand why. I know that this story takes place in a different time (the late 40's) and the conventions of life were very different. I was a teenager in the 80's and I don't know of too many of us didn't feel the same way. Perhaps this is why so many who read The Catcher in the Rye, can completely relate to Holden and that is why he is one of American Literature's most beloved characters!

Piecing it All Together

I have decided to make this:















Look like this:













Four Seasons, Alphonse Mucha, c. 1896
It's a 4000 piece puzzle! Wish me luck!

WHAT THE....?

DO NOT HATE ME ME BUT..... I had the nerve to go see this movie today. At least allow me to give an excuse. I was board, I've seen everything else and I got in for four bucks.

Have you ever seen a puppy that is soooo ugly that it's actually cute. Or how about a traffic accident that is so tragic that you can't look away. Same applies here.

It was very over the top!

From the opening scene you know that this film is pure cheese. It reminded me of the old black and white horror movies. Over acting, face pulling, hand over the mouth and eyes. Very Bela Lugosi. Even the special effects weren't so special. No, seriously! Every time the star demon shows up, it is basically represented by a Shadow puppet. There's even an old gypsy with an evil eye who place a curse on the main character. (I also found it overtly amusing that the main character, the victim of said curse, was a loan officer at a bank. How's that for social satire?) Every device and gory detail ever used in horror film makes a cameo in this film; horseflies, maggots, worms, green slime, projectile bleeding, animal sacrifice, seances. You name it, this flick had it!

I must have attempted to walk out at least 5 times,but something held me back. I can't explain it. I kept waiting for the "real" storyline to start. It border lined on spoof, but I could tell from the earnestness of the actors, they were serious! All I could do is laugh. Then, about half way through the movie, I realized, maybe that was the point! It was intended to be good, old fashioned, horrific fun! I don't know whether or not to recommend the movie, I guess it depends on your affinity for the horror genre in general. If you love it and realize the quality of homage involved in this movie, I say see it! If you are expecting to be scared...I say see something else!

Ugggghhhhh!!!!

As eluded to in a previous post, I have not been well. I am recovering from major surgery and am sitting at home miserably board.

Although my body is slow and I find myself, just sitting or laying around, I find that my mind is on the run! There are so many things that I could be doing with all of this free time! It drives me crazy. Part of the reason I am still a bit slow, is because during the first week of my recovery I thought for some reason that I was on vacation. I ran a muck! I think I may have over done it! Now my body is telling me, "Have you lost your mind? You should have been resting and allowing me to heal! Now you will pay! So here I sit, on the couch, BOARD! What else can I do? I have been sleeping, sipping, crocheting, beading, sudokuing, and am chomping at the bit to get started on a puzzle that I ordered from Amazon. (4000 pieces!)

I am doing my best to stay away from infomercials and QVC. Because, that, my friends could be financially devastating!

"When nothing is sure, everything is possible." Margaret Drabble

This is my new mantra. I guess it supports the post that I wrote on Mohammad Yunus.

I have had doubts about my lifestyle, for a while now. I feel as though it is all so temporary. I lived in the same rented apartment for the last year and still have unpacked boxes in my dinning room right now. I have worked in the same career for about 7 years and still fell like it is just a job and that my real career is coming to tap me on the shoulder any minute. Even my wardrobe is ever changing. I am not really sure what size I wear because I keep losing weight! (Wait a minute, that might be a good thing!)

In any case, I feel as though I am in constant flux...and yet at the same time I am standing completely still. I know that I keep moving, but I am not going anywhere! There has got to be more than this!

So, something has to change. I know I have to find the courage to move forward. I have actually been doing some research. I am trying to find a situation that is fresh, fun and suits my personality. I have applied to write for several on-line entities and am grassing at what is possible. One of the entities that I applied for said it so perfectly:

"Don't do it for the money, but those who approach it as a labor of love, tend to do very well."

I guess that is where I'm at...trying to find something I love enough to make a commitment to do well.

A Puzzle for You!

Click anywhere on the puzzle to start!

And Today's "Coolest Dude in the Universe" Award goes to.....

Dressed in a light blue tunic with a white vest, Mohammad Yunus sat calmly on the panel of the Bill Maher show, Real Time on HBO. He sat with a quiet confidence that made it seem as though he had a secret. A secret that would change the world.

Much was said during the political chat show, but I think what he contributed was so simple in theory and yet would impact America in such a way as to not only change the economic situation, but could change American culture its self.

Opportunity for Change...I know, I know...that has been the Obama's mantra for almost his entire political career. But Dr. Yunus's theory could not be more different from Obama's. While I admire President Obama and all that he is attempting to do for our country, he is proposing change for the sake of making things more efficient. A change that will bring about similar results, but just a better process. I think that his idea of Change will make us a better, stronger, more efficient country, but not really different.

Dr. Yunus, put into words what I have been thinking about for awhile. Perhaps the "issues" that we face are not to be fixed, but rather an opportunity to change the way we do things has been created. What we should be focusing on is what and how we can do differently. In the last decade we have proven that our greed and desire to fulfill the American Dream has become our greatest flaw. Home loans, credit cards, cars, clothes...STUFF. Oh yeah, and somewhere down at the bottom of the list, health care for all. It is amazing how our priorities have changed from what they were on September 12th, 2001.

Dr. Yunus's idea is rather than fix what is broken so that we can fulfill the American Dream, why not change the American Dream? The duty of service to others and developing Social Business (businesses not only for financial profit but also for societal profit) at the center of this new dream. He named a few countries that have followed this theory simply because they have had to. The financial system was so broken, that the people gave up and decided to focus on other things. Happiness, enlightenment, service to others. It would be quite unfortunate (and scary to be forced into a position where Dr. Yunu's theory would be our only choice.

I am not suggesting that we become socialist, but perhaps while the government works on our financial issues, we as individuals can work on Dr. Yunus's theory, service to others. Diminish our own suffering by focusing on the suffering of others. What a revelation!

The Road I Travel

Was the road we are meant to travel mapped out for us before we ever set out on our journey? Are the twists and turns that we take predetermined, or are they a matter of our own free will?